TEARS IN MY HAMBURGER SOUP

I sat with the other mothers around the potluck luncheon table discussing the specific difficulties it takes to nurture our children. In particular, mine. Vivacious. Gregarious. Wild with energy, intense emotions and an anxiety level that knows no bounds. 

Each mom poured out her heart about the triumphs of gaining insight into how to parent their particular child that was just “extra”. It was so good for my bloody, pureed heart. Once all this was discussed and encouragement given and received, I looked down to find I had been dripping tears in my hamburger soup that whole time. 

I’ve learned the hard way that “Extra” children take “extra weird parenting”. And this “extra” parent embodies all the “extra ridiculous” parenting techniques it takes to parent a pint-sized atom bomb.

How to Parent a Hyperactive Trash Gremlin: 

Technique (1)

DON’T LOOK AT IT! :

If your energy crazed child is quietly reading a book, playing legos or just standing still for a precious few moments, DON’T LOOK AT IT! Do not congratulate the child on building an extra cool lego Nether World. Do not tell the child you are proud of them for reading. Do not make a single pergo wood floor creak while the wild animal child is pondering its next move. 

Simply avoid eye contact, turn your head and walk away. IF you look at it, all the Chuck E. Cheese noises from the 3rd rung of purgatory will break loose. The wild animal child will scream loudly out of pure joy at being alive. A dance party will break out, to which you wanted no invite. Somehow all the animals with actual fur will show up and demand to be held and played with. All the peace you had for a precious few moments will disintegrate into a 3-ring circus. And it’s your fault. YOU LOOKED AT IT!

Technique (2)

Embarrassment:

Be such an embarrassing parent that the child is afraid to act up in public for fear of what (and how loud) their mom will yell across the store, or how bad her next fart will smell. Crop dust Walmart and get out. It smelled the same way when you panic ran in there for color correct hair dye anyway.

Technique (3)

Don’t Teach Your Child Spanish:

Threaten your kid in Spanish. No joke. It stops them dead in their tracks. Lower your voice and begin to say things like, Tengo zapatos (I have shoes), Hay Fuego! (there’s a fire) or Lamo caras (I lick faces). It scares them right into line.

Technique (4) 

Use a British Accent:

Give all instructions and daily plans in a British accent. This works GREAT when your child is in a stage of hysteria that makes you wonder what he’d taste like if you just ate him. Mother crabs do it with NO remorse. Luckily, me pretending to be Mary Poppins immediately stops him from publicly screaming “You’re murdering me!”

Lesson:

Children are… Horrible. Hilarious. Hellions. Heartwarming. And honestly, I’m not sure I would have gotten on this haunted hay ride had I known how scary the trip was going to be. So I just swing back at the approaching “life zombies”, pray to God that Nathaniel doesn’t hear the cursing and that I’ll get a chance to scream it out in my car later.